Generally Discontent

Wow, what a hell of a day! Today, I got molested by a cow, saw Spiderman, got wet and drunk, and puked my guts out. That's a pretty typical day for me, I guess. But I also saw the Wolfman, so at least that was something new.

Perhaps I should explain. Today we went to Universal Studios Orlando, which is a stone's throw from Disney (I think), and is rather absent of certain mice and ducks. But it did have lots of other cool things!

We started off the day way too friggin' early. Well, way too friggin' early for me, not only because I don't usually get up at 7:45 a.m. and not often before 10 a.m., but also because I was fairly hungover from boozing it up at Becky's birthday shindig thing last night. Jessica showed up around eight, and since we were all dolled up and ready to go, we went!

But first, breakfast at Chick-Fil-A. I wasn't so confident in my ability to keep food in my stomach, but I went ahead and ordered anyway. Something you should know about this particular Chick-Fil-A: they like their fanfare. The building and surrounding grounds are completely covered in Christmas lights, which look pretty danged neato at night, especially over at the pond, where Santa rides a jetski and where sea monsters live for some reason. I didn't know sea monsters were very Christmas-y things, but there you go.

Anyway, this morning there was a guy in a cow costume roaming around the place for no discernible reason, especially not so early in the morning. But there he was nonetheless, and there he was hugging me at the insistence of my friends. I will just pretend that a Swedish bikini model was inside that cow suit rather than some forty-year-old guy who probably enjoys dressing in adult diapers and being changed by his "mommy".

So we ate, hit a gas station for money and beverages, and then moseyed on over to Orlando to Universal Studios. It was shaping up to be a nice day, not too cool, not too warm, and fortunately not too humid. And since it's winter, the park wasn't too crowded, and we barely had to wait to get on any of the rides. Nice!

Now, I've never been to a theme park before, really. Nothing big. Sure, I went to amusement parks as a kid, but they were fairly rinky-dink though they seemed huge at the time. But amusement park technology has made great leaps forward since then, because this place was friggin' awesome, and was only matched in its awesomeness by its hugeness. Much like my wang.

Anyway, our first stop was the Shrek 4-D exhibit/ride thing, though I guess it wasn't really much of a ride. Just seats that sorta bounced around while a 3-D movie played. The seats also shot air and water at you at appropriate times, like when Donkey sneezed on you. Ahh...that was refreshing! Er. Yeah. But it pretty fun, and the only thing we really had to stand in line to see.

Actually, our first stop was the line to get tickets, which were very cheap since we had a couple of coupons, so Mike, Becky and I got in for the price of one ticket, while Jessica got in for free since she has a yearly pass for this place and Disney, which is a pretty cool thing to have.

So yeah, we left Shrek then headed down to the movie lot area to poke around. Grabbed some lunch and beer at an Irish pub, though my stomach still wasn't ready for beer, though that would change later. After that, Jessica demolished my ass in air hockey, but I vow here and now that I will train every day in air hockey in the off chance that we play again! I will not be beaten! I will be victorious! I am also delusional! She and I also went on the Mummy ride, which was fun as hell. It had big animatronic mummies, things that shot fire, and lots of twists and turns. I haven't been on a real ride in years aside from the ferris wheel back in Connecticut and your mom, so that was a blast.

We didn't stick around the Universal Studios area too long, since the Islands of Adventure area was much more fun-filled and beer-filled. We meandered over there and sat down for some coffee and water. But that didn't last long, as there was a pub around the corner, so we went and got beers instead. Fortunately, we could get to-go cups and carry our beers around all over the place. This would set a precedent of us having a beer in our hands almost constantly, and I would be quite stinky by the time we got to the Jurassic Park ride.

First stop: Marvel Superhero Town! Or, well, I don't know what it was called, but it was a big place dedicated to Marvel Comics characters, which I was pretty jazzed about since I've recently gotten back into comics. There were a few rides dedicated to Marvel characters, including a Dr. Doom thing that lifted you about a hundred feet in the air and then dropped you. I nearly peed myself just looking at it, so I really had no interest in trying it. But there was also the Spiderman ride, which was my favorite part of the whole day, I think.

See, you get in this "media van" roller-coaster cart thing, put on your 3-D glasses, and are then driven through New York City as Spiderman fights off a bunch of supervillains. I'm not sure what the actual storyline was, as I was too busy having half a heart attack from all the 3-D effects and our cart being thrown all over the goddamn place, ending in a fifty-story drop to the ground. But Spiderman managed to save us in time, so we lived. Thanks, Spidey!

After that, it was more beer and poking around all the shops in the area. I can't believe I didn't buy anything, since they had all sorts of cool comics-related stuff. Bleh. Jessica and I also took a picture with Storm and Rogue from the X-Men, though it seems Storm has decided to undergo an operation to become a man or something, because she sure didn't look as hot as she does in the comics. I checked for a bulge in her spandex underwear, but she must still be pre-op or something.

Onward we went into an area dedicated to classic comic strips, from Beetle Bailey to Hagar to Pogo to...well, anything you could think of, really. We also did a little shopping, which left me being the only one without some sort of hat, because I'm a total hatless loser, apparently. By this point, I think we were all fairly loopy, so we took a break to have some pretzels and more beer, while Jessica entertained us with some dating horror stories. Becky also kept encouraging Jessica to smother her face in her breasts, so that was entertaining. Er, Jessica's face in Becky's...breasts. Maybe I should stop talking about that right now so I don't get a kick in the nuts later. HEY LOOK, DINOSAURS!

It was on to the Jurassic Park area as the sun was starting to set and the park was starting to empty. So we had no problem getting on the ride after dumping some of our stuff into a fingerprint-activated locker (pretty neat!), since this ride was supposed to be rather splashy, what with all the water around and all.

And damn, was it fun! Short, as most of the rides unfortunately were, but fun. It started off with some sorta-cheesy dinosaurs, but I felt like a little kid staring at a brachiosaur towering above me. Then things went wrong! The boat/cart took a wrong turn toward the raptor containment/research area for some reason! Oh no! There are two tiny raptors playing tug-of-war with a tiny bloody shirt! And look out of for that crate about to fall on your head! AGH! And then into darkness and a loooong, steep climb. Red flashing lights, raptors leaping out from all sides. And there's the T-Rex, about to eat us! And...and...oh shit, we're gonna head into a huge drop now, aren't we?

Yup. I don't know how far we dropped, but the splash of water at the end helped to dispel any terror or pants-peeing we may have experienced. So we did it again! But it was getting cool out, and none of us wanted to go a third time since we were all wet enough. In fact, it looked like it was time to clear out. We tried to hit a pub over in the Lost Continent, a fantasy-themed section, but it was closed. Looked like everything was closing at six, and it was ten til six now. Shit! I don't want to leave!

We had time for one more ride. A real ride, none of this popular-entertainment-themed stuff. Jessica and I hurried to Fire & Ice, an honest-to-god roller coaster. A roller coaster where you get to pick a side - fire or ice, strangely enough - and then you go, both lines intersecting at key points, making you think you're about to collide with the other carts, which isn't very nice if you ask me.

But I sorta missed the full effect of this ride, since A) It was pretty dark by now, and B) I was pretty drunk by now, which is about the only reason I would get on a roller coaster in the first place, as I don't particularly have a fondness for heights. But I gotta seize the day, right? Right!?

Goddamn, that was terrifying. All I remember is wooshing and spinning and things flying by in the dark, and I had my eyes open most of the time, really! I suppose I may have screamed or said something to the effect of, "Oh jesus christ don't let me die i repent i repent oh god i think my testicles receded", but I have no memory of this. We staggered off the ride, and it took a few minutes for me to stop being dizzy. I think this was the moment where something in my stomach decided that it no longer wanted to be in my stomach, and began its slow climb toward my throat, but I'll get to that.

We walked through the rapidly-closing Lost Continent, chatting and admiring the architecture and sculptures and what not, trying to find Mike and Becky. We eventually found them and made our way back to the car, passed through the colorful Seuss Landing and the droves of people milling around Margaritaville. I still had a chance to buy some souvenirs, but I was still a little too stinky to do anything besides walk. Made it back to the car and zoomed out of Orlando.

At some point during the ride, I started to feel a little...off. I couldn't figure it out, really, but my stomach wasn't too happy. We decided to stop by a Steak N' Shake for dinner, but it wouldn't work out too well for me. Shortly after ordering, I knew that I had to go to the bathroom and take care of this thing. Long story short: I puked and felt ten times better, and even managed to eat most of my grilled cheese and fries! Yay for me!

And that was about it. We got home around ten or so, Mike and Becky crashed soon after, and Jessica headed home. I managed to stay up for a bit, but eventually collapsed after uploading the day's pictures. It was a great day, and sorta makes me feel bad that I'm leaving in less than a week now. Seems like there are just so many fun things to do down here. Well, okay, I'm not looking forward to the snow, but I do want to see my friends and family again. Another day, Florida!