Generally Discontent

Tattoo!

Well, I should have posted this on Friday. Or Saturday. Or Sunday. But I didn't, so there! I'm posting it now, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. Y'hear me!?

Hm. Yes, so, I got a tattoo on Friday. Wow, was it really Friday? For some reason I keep thinking it was Wednesday, but this past week has been kinda crazy, so I've lost track of time. This week, I did a bunch of stuff! Let me do a quick recap of that.

Monday, I...uh, okay, I can't remember what I did on what days. I went out on a date, that much I know! I'm not going to talk about that here, really, not right now. But it was a great time, I'll say that. Another night, I went Christmas shopping with Mike and Becky, and another night I...uh. Okay, my brain just isn't working. I took some Nyquil about a half hour ago, and now I'm kinda drugged up. Did I mention I got a tattoo on Friday? OKAY LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT!

I wasn't planning on getting a tattoo when I thought about this whole trip, but I've wanted to get one for a long time now. I'd promised myself that I would get it when I finished the first draft of the book I'm writing (or was writing...I seriously need to get my ass back in gear on that), but when I finally got that draft done, I never got the tattoo. Then I thought: Hey, Mike and Becky and tattooed up, so they're bound to know some good tattoo places, right? Well, hell, why don't I do this thing that I've been wanting to do? Well, okay!

What's the design then, this thing I wanted to get? Well, it's something I designed years ago, and I guess the explanation might sound a bit pretentious, but here goes. It's a broken cog, or gear, busted in half. The general idea is an acknowledgement and reminder of where I view myself in terms of society and maybe humanity. I ain't right in the head. Not that I'm batshit insane, but I know that I don't generally think or act like most people. And I'm not saying that makes me special or unique or anything, it's just how it is, really. And I like it that way. One thing I do fairly well is make life interesting for myself, usually through bizarre decisions and whatnot. So, um, yeah. So there.

I wanted to get this design in black on my left forearm. I got the idea for placement from this guy I used to work with who had a tattoo on his forearm of one of those plastic things that you would fit into the center of a 45 record in order to play it on a normal turntable. Funny thing is, when Jessica saw my design, she said it reminded her of one of those very plastic things. Weird, huh?

Anyway, that's exactly what I got. It's about 2.5 inches or so in diameter, maybe a little bigger than I originally envisioned. And it's black, and noticeable. I've gotten some mixed reactions on it, and though it still hasn't quite sunk into my slow-ass brain that this shit is permanent, I like it. It's exactly what I wanted, and I don't give much of damn if nobody likes it. Besides there are tattoos out there that are a gazillion times worse. Ever see that one of the two giant penises spewing manmilk tattooed on some guy's back? No? Google it, I dare you.

Okay, that's out of the way. Now for the actual experience. Mike and I went to Atomic Tattoos around 6:30 p.m., after grabbing some grub at the original Hooters restaurant, which was pretty cool. We met our tattoo artist (Mike wanted to get one, too), whose name was Jason, and who turned out to be a pretty swell guy. He looked at my design and seemed disappointed that I wanted it all black, saying that he could have fun with it if I wanted color. But by that point I was so goddamn nervous that anything straying from the rigid path set in my head was heresy. So black it was.

It took a couple of tries to get the thing lined up right on my arm, and while we did that, I stuck my nose into the middle of a conversation that Jason was having with his friend, helping to prove Jason wrong on the point that James Caan was Sonny in The Godfather and not the lawyer, and that the lawyer was, of course, Robert Duvaal. It instantly dawned on me that maybe it's not a good idea to prove wrong the guy who was about to brand you with something for life. But he was cool about it, and the whole thing went off without a hitch.

So here's how getting a tattoo goes, for those of you who haven't done it. If you've done it, please skip this part, as I will be speaking as if it I'm the only person in the world who has ever done it, and I will also imply that I am the center of the universe. So. We start off with the artist transferring my design to a piece of magic paper that leaves a perfect copy of the design on my arm when he rubs the paper onto my skin. Except the thing was crooked the first two times, but the third time was the charm, so away we went!

Oh, first he had to shave the area to be tattooed, that area being my left forearm. Being a hairy bastard, Jason saw fit to crack jokes about how I should get a tattoo of a hairless Sasquatch, confident that my natural fur would fill in the nude man-beast's bare spots. Which was pretty funny, so I didn't take offense. Anyway, on to the tattooing!

First he had to do the outline, which involved a single needle and black ink. Mike said it felt something like scratching yourself with a fingernail as hard as you could. Not a world of pain, but not exactly a planet covered in comfy mattresses and pillows, either. I, however, can't really say what it felt like aside from "having a needle stabbing you a bazillion times a second". That's how it felt, but it wasn't so bad. Occasionally he'd hit a more sensitive spot, but for the most part it was fairly easy to ignore the pain, especially since it was so interesting to watch the guy at work.

Fifteen minutes later or so, the outline was done. Now, I had no idea how he was going to fill it in. I was still okay, but my mind conjured up the image of this guy going millimeter by millimeter with that one needle, filling in the rather large black areas. I wasn't looking forward to that, but then Mike explained that he was going to switch to a multi-needle, brush-like thing, and he did! It looked like a very tiny beard trimmer or something, just a big pen with a bunch of needles jutting out of the end.

The fill portion of the tattoo was a little worse than the outline, especially since the aforementioned sensitive spots get a blast of needle and ink. I wasn't dying yet, but was kinda hoping he'd finish soon. Fortunately, my tattoo didn't require much in the way of detail, so the filling-in part didn't last too long. Finally, he wiped the tattoo down, and announced that it was done!

I got up and looked in the mirror. Despite the fact that it looked exactly as I had envisioned it (maybe a little bigger, but no biggie), I was instantly and calmly wondering, "OH HOLY FUCK, WHAT DID I JUST DO!?!??!?" But I knew it was too late. I knew that fifty years from now I could look down at that same arm and see that same tattoo. Unless I'm dead in fifty years, or have my arm blown off during World War III, which is going to happen sooner or later if I have any say in the matter.

Uh. Yeah. He bandaged it up and gave me the spiel on how to take care of it, then I sat down and relaxed while Mike took his turn. He was getting the Latin version of "In Use" on his wedding ring finger, a sweet testament to his marriage to Becky. It came out really neat, though it seemed far more painful than what I had gone through, as there isn't a lot of anything on a finger between the surface of the skin and the bone beneath. But soon enough, he was done and bandaged, and we took off.

We headed to Jessica's place, where she and Becky were supposed to be setting up Jessica's Christmas tree. But they only got to the lowest level of branches before giving up and just having fun with some beer. Mike and I showed up, a little haggard, and had some beers and pizza while talking to Jessica's downstairs neighbor. A very nice way to spend the evening after being scarred for life, if I do say so myself!

As for the tattoo: it's gotten mixed reactions. Becky said it looked "tough", so I'll just go by her opinion because she's pretty smart and hip and all. Others have been less-than-enthused, but that's okay. The important thing is that I like it, I guess. Besides, if I grow to hate it, tattoo-removal surgery will probably be pretty cheap ten years down the road. My only real concern right now is that I'm now going to have to explain to everyone I meet what it means. But I think I'll just make up a band name and say it's their logo if I don't feel like going into detail. Yeah, that'll work!

Posted by CosmoDNA at 01:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Now that I've stuck that stupid song in your head...

This is it! My last day. Gonna keep this short, since I had about four hours of sleep and it's far too early to be awake on a Sunday morning. I'm not even awake enough to be sad, but I'm sure that'll come quickly over the next few hours. Once Mike, Becky and Jessica are up and about and ready to go, we're going to go grab breakfast then zip over to the airport. Fortunately, the airport is close by, so there will be plenty of time for long, drawn-out goodbyes.

When I get back, I won't have internet access for a few days, I don't think. But I'll try to swing something. Why don't you go back to the beginning and read the whole site until I get back? It'll be fun!

Okay, take care, everybody. Seacrest...out!

Posted by CosmoDNA at 08:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

So I'm leaving in two days, but not just heading off to the next house, the next exciting new place, the next leg of my journey. I'm just going home.

Well, that sounded depressing, huh? But it's really not. I'm looking forward to going home, not only because I get to see friends and family I haven't seen in almost four months, but also because I expect that it won't all feel so old and familiar when I get back. I'm sure to notice new things about Boston, about the people I care about, about myself, about my fat cat, about how goddamn fucking cold it's going to be. All that stuff.

But I can't say I'm totally jazzed up yet. Going home means going back to the normal life, as normal as it gets for me, anyway. Means getting a new job, which is something else I'm sort of looking forward to. Hell, I could do this traveling for at least a few more months and not get sick of it, maybe a whole year. But unless I start whoring myself out, the money wouldn't last long. So it's back to the 9-to-5 world for me!

I'm not going to write some long-ass "thanks for the memories" kind of bullshit, at least not right now. Right now, I'm still in Tampa and have a few things to do before I leave. Tonight I'm getting a tattoo, finally. 6:30 p.m. Yup. Getting a tattoo... Unless I totally pussy out, of course, but I guess I can't do that. I've done quite a few things these last few months that I would have been 100% against normally, so I suppose "scarring myself for life" is up there with "riding a roller coaster in the dark while drunk" and "eating asparagus". Oh yeah, I'm a real master of adventure!

Anyway, that's my update for now. I'll be posting more and putting up pictures over the next couple of days, but I'll most likely be internet-less for a few days starting Sunday afternoon, so it might be awhile for an epilogue. OK BYE!

Posted by CosmoDNA at 03:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Got nothing of interest to say at the moment, but just wanted to point out that I put up a new gallery which mostly involves seashells and birds. CLICK HERE TO WIN!!!!!!!!!!

Three more days left. Man, this is weird!

Posted by CosmoDNA at 04:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Wow, what a hell of a day! Today, I got molested by a cow, saw Spiderman, got wet and drunk, and puked my guts out. That's a pretty typical day for me, I guess. But I also saw the Wolfman, so at least that was something new.

Perhaps I should explain. Today we went to Universal Studios Orlando, which is a stone's throw from Disney (I think), and is rather absent of certain mice and ducks. But it did have lots of other cool things!

We started off the day way too friggin' early. Well, way too friggin' early for me, not only because I don't usually get up at 7:45 a.m. and not often before 10 a.m., but also because I was fairly hungover from boozing it up at Becky's birthday shindig thing last night. Jessica showed up around eight, and since we were all dolled up and ready to go, we went!

But first, breakfast at Chick-Fil-A. I wasn't so confident in my ability to keep food in my stomach, but I went ahead and ordered anyway. Something you should know about this particular Chick-Fil-A: they like their fanfare. The building and surrounding grounds are completely covered in Christmas lights, which look pretty danged neato at night, especially over at the pond, where Santa rides a jetski and where sea monsters live for some reason. I didn't know sea monsters were very Christmas-y things, but there you go.

Anyway, this morning there was a guy in a cow costume roaming around the place for no discernible reason, especially not so early in the morning. But there he was nonetheless, and there he was hugging me at the insistence of my friends. I will just pretend that a Swedish bikini model was inside that cow suit rather than some forty-year-old guy who probably enjoys dressing in adult diapers and being changed by his "mommy".

So we ate, hit a gas station for money and beverages, and then moseyed on over to Orlando to Universal Studios. It was shaping up to be a nice day, not too cool, not too warm, and fortunately not too humid. And since it's winter, the park wasn't too crowded, and we barely had to wait to get on any of the rides. Nice!

Now, I've never been to a theme park before, really. Nothing big. Sure, I went to amusement parks as a kid, but they were fairly rinky-dink though they seemed huge at the time. But amusement park technology has made great leaps forward since then, because this place was friggin' awesome, and was only matched in its awesomeness by its hugeness. Much like my wang.

Anyway, our first stop was the Shrek 4-D exhibit/ride thing, though I guess it wasn't really much of a ride. Just seats that sorta bounced around while a 3-D movie played. The seats also shot air and water at you at appropriate times, like when Donkey sneezed on you. Ahh...that was refreshing! Er. Yeah. But it pretty fun, and the only thing we really had to stand in line to see.

Actually, our first stop was the line to get tickets, which were very cheap since we had a couple of coupons, so Mike, Becky and I got in for the price of one ticket, while Jessica got in for free since she has a yearly pass for this place and Disney, which is a pretty cool thing to have.

So yeah, we left Shrek then headed down to the movie lot area to poke around. Grabbed some lunch and beer at an Irish pub, though my stomach still wasn't ready for beer, though that would change later. After that, Jessica demolished my ass in air hockey, but I vow here and now that I will train every day in air hockey in the off chance that we play again! I will not be beaten! I will be victorious! I am also delusional! She and I also went on the Mummy ride, which was fun as hell. It had big animatronic mummies, things that shot fire, and lots of twists and turns. I haven't been on a real ride in years aside from the ferris wheel back in Connecticut and your mom, so that was a blast.

We didn't stick around the Universal Studios area too long, since the Islands of Adventure area was much more fun-filled and beer-filled. We meandered over there and sat down for some coffee and water. But that didn't last long, as there was a pub around the corner, so we went and got beers instead. Fortunately, we could get to-go cups and carry our beers around all over the place. This would set a precedent of us having a beer in our hands almost constantly, and I would be quite stinky by the time we got to the Jurassic Park ride.

First stop: Marvel Superhero Town! Or, well, I don't know what it was called, but it was a big place dedicated to Marvel Comics characters, which I was pretty jazzed about since I've recently gotten back into comics. There were a few rides dedicated to Marvel characters, including a Dr. Doom thing that lifted you about a hundred feet in the air and then dropped you. I nearly peed myself just looking at it, so I really had no interest in trying it. But there was also the Spiderman ride, which was my favorite part of the whole day, I think.

See, you get in this "media van" roller-coaster cart thing, put on your 3-D glasses, and are then driven through New York City as Spiderman fights off a bunch of supervillains. I'm not sure what the actual storyline was, as I was too busy having half a heart attack from all the 3-D effects and our cart being thrown all over the goddamn place, ending in a fifty-story drop to the ground. But Spiderman managed to save us in time, so we lived. Thanks, Spidey!

After that, it was more beer and poking around all the shops in the area. I can't believe I didn't buy anything, since they had all sorts of cool comics-related stuff. Bleh. Jessica and I also took a picture with Storm and Rogue from the X-Men, though it seems Storm has decided to undergo an operation to become a man or something, because she sure didn't look as hot as she does in the comics. I checked for a bulge in her spandex underwear, but she must still be pre-op or something.

Onward we went into an area dedicated to classic comic strips, from Beetle Bailey to Hagar to Pogo to...well, anything you could think of, really. We also did a little shopping, which left me being the only one without some sort of hat, because I'm a total hatless loser, apparently. By this point, I think we were all fairly loopy, so we took a break to have some pretzels and more beer, while Jessica entertained us with some dating horror stories. Becky also kept encouraging Jessica to smother her face in her breasts, so that was entertaining. Er, Jessica's face in Becky's...breasts. Maybe I should stop talking about that right now so I don't get a kick in the nuts later. HEY LOOK, DINOSAURS!

It was on to the Jurassic Park area as the sun was starting to set and the park was starting to empty. So we had no problem getting on the ride after dumping some of our stuff into a fingerprint-activated locker (pretty neat!), since this ride was supposed to be rather splashy, what with all the water around and all.

And damn, was it fun! Short, as most of the rides unfortunately were, but fun. It started off with some sorta-cheesy dinosaurs, but I felt like a little kid staring at a brachiosaur towering above me. Then things went wrong! The boat/cart took a wrong turn toward the raptor containment/research area for some reason! Oh no! There are two tiny raptors playing tug-of-war with a tiny bloody shirt! And look out of for that crate about to fall on your head! AGH! And then into darkness and a loooong, steep climb. Red flashing lights, raptors leaping out from all sides. And there's the T-Rex, about to eat us! And...and...oh shit, we're gonna head into a huge drop now, aren't we?

Yup. I don't know how far we dropped, but the splash of water at the end helped to dispel any terror or pants-peeing we may have experienced. So we did it again! But it was getting cool out, and none of us wanted to go a third time since we were all wet enough. In fact, it looked like it was time to clear out. We tried to hit a pub over in the Lost Continent, a fantasy-themed section, but it was closed. Looked like everything was closing at six, and it was ten til six now. Shit! I don't want to leave!

We had time for one more ride. A real ride, none of this popular-entertainment-themed stuff. Jessica and I hurried to Fire & Ice, an honest-to-god roller coaster. A roller coaster where you get to pick a side - fire or ice, strangely enough - and then you go, both lines intersecting at key points, making you think you're about to collide with the other carts, which isn't very nice if you ask me.

But I sorta missed the full effect of this ride, since A) It was pretty dark by now, and B) I was pretty drunk by now, which is about the only reason I would get on a roller coaster in the first place, as I don't particularly have a fondness for heights. But I gotta seize the day, right? Right!?

Goddamn, that was terrifying. All I remember is wooshing and spinning and things flying by in the dark, and I had my eyes open most of the time, really! I suppose I may have screamed or said something to the effect of, "Oh jesus christ don't let me die i repent i repent oh god i think my testicles receded", but I have no memory of this. We staggered off the ride, and it took a few minutes for me to stop being dizzy. I think this was the moment where something in my stomach decided that it no longer wanted to be in my stomach, and began its slow climb toward my throat, but I'll get to that.

We walked through the rapidly-closing Lost Continent, chatting and admiring the architecture and sculptures and what not, trying to find Mike and Becky. We eventually found them and made our way back to the car, passed through the colorful Seuss Landing and the droves of people milling around Margaritaville. I still had a chance to buy some souvenirs, but I was still a little too stinky to do anything besides walk. Made it back to the car and zoomed out of Orlando.

At some point during the ride, I started to feel a little...off. I couldn't figure it out, really, but my stomach wasn't too happy. We decided to stop by a Steak N' Shake for dinner, but it wouldn't work out too well for me. Shortly after ordering, I knew that I had to go to the bathroom and take care of this thing. Long story short: I puked and felt ten times better, and even managed to eat most of my grilled cheese and fries! Yay for me!

And that was about it. We got home around ten or so, Mike and Becky crashed soon after, and Jessica headed home. I managed to stay up for a bit, but eventually collapsed after uploading the day's pictures. It was a great day, and sorta makes me feel bad that I'm leaving in less than a week now. Seems like there are just so many fun things to do down here. Well, okay, I'm not looking forward to the snow, but I do want to see my friends and family again. Another day, Florida!

Posted by CosmoDNA at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Oh, hello!

What's up? How have you been? Good, good, that's good to hear. Hm? Oh, what have I been up to? Well, not a whole lot, I suppose, not that that's a bad thing. I was pretty hungover after the Christmas party last Saturday. Yeah, too much of the rum and not enough of the food and water. I always do that.

The week's been a quiet one, and I've spent waaay too much sitting in front of the laptop. Seriously, it's pretty lame. I mean, I'm pretty lame. I'm going to make a concerted effort to get out and do stuff next week, though. Admittedly, the weather hasn't been so fantastic, kinda cool and rainy, but I guess I can't complain since my peeps up in Massachusetts are getting snow dumped on them and shit. I can't wait to join them!

Yeah, it's kinda fucked up. Just over a week left, now. I can't really believe it... I feel like once I leave here, I'll be heading off to someplace new. But nope, just going home. Though I suppose it'll feel kinda new since I've been gone so long. That feeling should last approximately 2.3 seconds, I imagine, before I get all comfy again. Eh. Gonna try to make that not happen though. If anything, I should use all I've learned over the last few months to motivate myself to, y'know, do something with my life. Heh. We'll see.

Man, I'm babbling, huh? You want another drink? Okay, just a minute...

...stupid bartender. Hey, uh, you look pretty good, by the way. No, I totally mean it. You look...y'know. You look good! Yeah...

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, what I've been doing. Well, like I said, it's been a quiet week down here in Tampa. Aside from sitting on my ass, I've gone out a few times with Mike and Becky, gone out to dinner and stuff. Yeah, they're awesome. I'm having a great time hanging out with them. I think you'd like them! Last night, we watched The 40 Year Old Virgin, and that was really funny! Have you seen it? Oh, yeah, you should. It's really good... I can totally sympathize with the guy, too, y'know. Man, I need to get laid, y'know? Heh, I mean, just a one night stand or something, you know what I mean? You, uh, so are you seeing anyone right n-

Christmas? Uh, yeah, I guess I'm looking forward to it. Um. Oh...uh... Well, Becky sorta abruptly decided she wanted to get a Christmas tree, so I went out with her to get one and then sat there watching her trim it. I guess I'm not so good at trimming trees, I don't know. Maybe I'm just lazy, heh!

Wow, this drink is strong. Heh. Damn, you're really looking good...

Ah, yeah. So tonight we're going out with some of Mike and Becky's friends for a belated birthday dinner. That should be fun, but I can't drink too much since we gotta get up early tomorrow. We're going to the Universal Islands of Adventure, I think. Or Universal Studios, one of those things, I dunno. Yeah, no, not going to Disney, I don't think. That shit's expensive! Yeah, yeah, I hear it's nice. I wouldn't mind seeing Epcot at some point in my life, but I'm really not in a huge rush to get out there. I'm not even a big Disney fan or anything. Did you know that Walt Disney was a Nazi sympathizer? How sick is that?

Oh...you're a...you're a Nazi sympathizer too, huh? Well, uh. Hey, that's...cool. Different strokes, right? Hah!

Um, did you want another drink?

Oh...yeah, sure, okay. No, that's cool! Sorry to keep you here so long. Hey, have a good night, okay? Sure was good seeing you! You have my number? Yeah, it's- Oh, sure, you can get it from- uh. Okay then. Bye!

Posted by CosmoDNA at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So yeah, at some point during the Christmas party, I turned my camera on and recorded a video of Johnnie telling us about when he shot a black guy with his air rifle. Apparently, the guy bitched Johnnie out because he hadn't put his trash out on the sidewalk, as the new trash laws said to do. So Johnnie got riled up and shot the guy. Enjoy!

(right click, save as, please!)

Here's a transcript, as best as I can understand it.

Johhnie: "...I didn't know that. So the big fucking...mool (?). Allright? Big black motherfucker...(something)...comes beating on my door, says, 'Laws changed! Ya gotta bring your shit out to the street!" You probably wasn't even born yet. I'm telling ya! I-I was a guy that...tried to make things right. Anyway, he rousted me up and I (something). Right?

"So, I took aim at him. Pumped my pellet gun about fifty times. Caught him in the neck, I swear to God, he thought a bee that big got him (gestures the size of the big bee), (something) over the garbage truck. My roomate, that was there, snitched me out. I got put on proba-"

Mike: "What??"

Johnnie: "Yeah. You don't even know! Anyway, I did my time. (something) I did my time. Never made it to 'Nam. Would've, I'd have been- Well, I'm still a Corps man. Okay?

But uh. Anyway, I'm just glad I got to talk to you guys. About THINGS."

Special thanks to my main dawg Porzio for his mad video compression skills!

Posted by CosmoDNA at 09:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I suppose this is just a fact of my life: I can go to a party filled to the brim with hundreds of people, and I'll still meet the craziest fucker there.

The crazy one in particular was... Okay, I'll get to that. After a day of driving around Plant City with Becky, meeting her dad and grandparents, getting a few strawberry-based food items from Parkesdale Farm Market, and grabbing some tasty fried chicken, we headed back to the house and chill for awhile before getting ready to go to the Christmas Party. I put on my gay clothes which I guess didn't look so gay after all, Becky and Mike got ready, and away we went!

The party was at the A La Carte Event Pavilion, which is an extremely fancy and huge place. The theme was Key West, so they had a guy juggling flaming sticks at the door. I don't know if juggling flaming sticks is indicative of Key West, but there he was nonetheless. Upon entering and passing the coat check, we were greeted by none other than famous author Earnest Hemingway, who looked rather good despite being dead. You would never guess that he'd blown his head off with a shotgun by looking at him. Actually, I had the sneaking suspicion that this was not really Earnest Hemingway, but I stifled these doubts so as not to insult anyone.

The ball room was colorful and decorated in the fashion of the islands, complete with small bars covered in grass and palm trees and stuff, and dozens of upside-down umbrellas hanging from the ceiling. Well, I guess that's the fashion of the islands. It all looked real nice, anyway. Scattered among the bars and food tables were people drawing caricatures and an area for folks to have their pictures taken by a professional picture taker guy.

And finally, there was the stage/dance floor, where the DJ was spinning Key West's greatest hits, from Jimmy Buffet's "Margaritaville" to Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise". I swear the guy played those two songs about ten times each, occasionally segueing into country-western's best Christmas songs, which really weren't very good. At one point he played actual dance music, including "Hammer Time" (which I'll get to later, as well), and this goddamn annoying hip-hop line dancing thing that I'd heard in Maryland and hoped to never hear again. It's basically some DJ guying telling people to "cha-cha" and "spin" and "whatever the fuck", though it is funny to watch drunk people trying to follow his directions.

Of course the best part was the whole "free food, free booze" thing, and the bartenders were quite adept at letting the booze flow freely. It didn't take long for the party to go from stuffy and formal to drunk and crazed, I'm pleased to say. We wandered around, Becky introduced me to a bunch of people I can't exactly remember now, and Mike and I played some pool. I thought that I really hadn't learned anything about how to play pool from spending so much time with Vani and Jay in Maryland, but I found myself trying some things that I'd seen them do and was pleased and surprised when they worked every so often.

Smoking had to be done outside, of course, and that's where things started getting nutty. Early in the evening, we were out having a smoke and noticed a loud, obnoxious guy out there as well. About six-two, about fifty-something, grey hair long and hanging around a red face, grey beard, and glassy, psychotic eyes behind a pair of glasses. Black dress shirt open and revealing a hairy grey chest, a huge gold cross hanging just below that, and a demeanor that screams "THIS IS THE GUY YOU WANT TO GET AWAY FROM IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY AND LIFE". Too bad we didn't listen to that scream, for this was Johnnie, and he was legion.

We'd see Johnnie a few times over the next couple of hours, usually during smoke breaks. At one point, he actually kicked the door open to come outside, bursting onto the scene and fortunately not targeting us with his insanity. Not yet, anyway. So we'd share glances, laugh him off as just a drunken, colorful character. So it goes.

Then it happened. Mike and I were out having a smoke, and so was Johnnie. We didn't know his name yet, as his hand-written nametag read Grande Murenga or something like that - he explained that it meant "Large and In Charge...below the waist! HAHAHA!" He had a crazy laugh that made you expect a punch in the nuts as soon as he was done. Since Johnnie couldn't find any women to terrorize, which was his modus operandi, he targeted us.

At first, he was comical, but in the sense that a disease-ridden, legless hobo clown is comical: you might laugh at it, but you want it to go away. We've all been there. He started off by complimenting/insulting us, saying that I looked like the "smart computer nerd type", that Mike and I looked like brothers because we have the same kind of goatee, other various things that really made no sense but were made funny because of his erratic behavior. It didn't help that the guy was three, no, twelve sheets to the wind and was very touchy-feely-headlocky.

Then the stories came. Johnnie was in the Marines, you see, back when 'Nam was going on. But Johnnie didn't go to 'Nam. Instead, Johnnie went to prison after a year of being a jarhead, since someone had supposedly framed him for pot possession. So Johnnie went to jail for five years, but only stayed in for two or three, because the parole board knew he was a "smart kid". I was getting pretty drunk myself, so half the stuff he said I couldn't really follow. That didn't stop him from talking, though.

On and on it went, and we had no means of escape. He went to prison. He's still a Corps Man to this day. He once shot a black guy in the neck with an air rifle over an argument about taking out the trash. He... Well, at some point, Johnnie got scary. Or he was trying to be scary. He got up real close and personal, clicked his teeth real loud, said something to the effect of, "I could tear your throat out with these teeth." followed by that loud, maniacal laughter, an arm around the shoulders. "AH'M JUST KIDDIN'! HAHAHAH!" Fucking A.

But at least he was entertaining. Fairly harmless, really. Just a nutty guy out of his element, though I'm not sure what his element was. Probably a place where rivers of gin flowed down the slopes of a constantly-exploding volcano while people ate babies and had orgies and ate oysters off smiling, decapitated heads, but all of it drawn like it was made by the creators of the Smurfs. That's what I imagine Johnnie's mind looks like. But yes, he was entertaining, anyway. To a point.

After telling us for the fifth time that he could tell us stories, the real stories, the scary stories, but we just didn't have enough time right now, Johnnie noticed a young black couple standing nearby, talking to someone. He glanced over, glanced back and scowled, expecting me to do the same, to growl and get angry that them niggers were here at a white people party, gawdammit.

"Dayum, I can smell that Jerri curl from here!" he muttered and grinned with his clicky teeth and glared with his fogged-over eyes.
"Uh." That was about all I could say.

So Johnnie was a douchebag as well as a moron and crazy person. Finally, the gods got bored with torturing us and sent Johnnie back inside, presumably to get another drink. He made us promise that we'd be there when he got back, so we of course high-tailed it back inside as soon as he was out of view. Fortunately, we didn't have to talk to him for the rest of the night, though we did see him rampaging around every so often.

The insanity finally ended, and we grouped up back inside. I met a few more people, including Becky's friend and co-worker Jessica, who is pretty damn cool. Also met my "date" for the night, Tara. See, Becky had secured Tara's date pass for me though I wasn't actually going with Tara. This led to a huge buzz around the office, since Tara is married. Everyone wanted to know who this dashing, handsome young man named Josh Russo was. So when I met Tara, she kept thanking me, though I had no clue what for. I can only guess that she was thanking me for putting her in the center of gossip or something, I don't know. She was nice, though.

I also met...um. Can't remember their names. I think one was named Mike. Two guys who were fairly smashed and who were also obsessed with MC Hammer's Hammer Time dance, since that's what the DJ had just played. So while we would be talking, they would take turns doing that "shimmy back and forth" dance while shouting "HO! HO-OO! HO-OOO!" and laughing their heads off. Even when I went up to get a shot of tequila with them, they were doing it. Weird folks, but not fucking lunatics like Johnnie, not even close.

The evening finally wound to an end, I managed to grab a free bottle of wine and a wine stopper, even though I don't think I was supposed to. Becky and I were pretty lit by this point, and after stopping by Wendy's, we came back to the house and collapsed. Oh, I also kind of stole the photograph of Johnnie, as all the pictures taken over the course of the evening were sitting on a table together, and he was long gone by that point, undoubtedly already digging into their fifteenth bottle of whiskey or whatever. But I don't feel so bad about taking the picture, as I'm positive they can get another copy. If they even remember that they had the picture taken in the first place, which I'm guessing is a longshot, may God have mercy on their livers and children.

Posted by CosmoDNA at 05:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So this is Tampa. Warm weather, palm trees, lots of water, alligators, dumb criminals...it's nice! Been a crazy six days or so, very busy, and I'm only now getting the time to update the site.

Okay, that's not entirely true. I could have updated it any time in the last three days, but I've been busy hanging out with Becky and Mike, generally having a good time. But yeah, it has been pretty busy. I must have spent at least a solid 24 hours riding around in cars since last Friday. So let's see, what have I been doing?

Sunday we went to help Mike's dad some more, finally getting the network going. I did some more of my whole "being useless" thing, though I did go out with Becky to get lunch. After that was done, we hopped in the truck and made our four hour trip down to Tampa. Got to the house around eight and then promptly vegged the hell out.

Becky took three days off, since her birthday was on Tuesday. So on Monday she took me on a little tour of the area, and we went to visit Mike at work. But it was raining and crappy out, so we didn't get much done. On Tuesday, the weather was clearing so we headed to the mall so I could pick up some clothes for the big Christmas party this Saturday. I kinda like the stuff I picked out, but it all looks very metrosexual, and I'll most likely look pretty gay. I'm thinking of just walking around with my wang hanging out and a sign pointing to it that says "HEY LADIES! FIRST ONE'S FREE!" That might do it.

After that, we went to downtown Tampa, where we had lunch and walked around. It's nice to have a tour guide in a new city, to save me from walking around in circles. Though I wouldn't have a problem with wandering around aimlessly in Tampa. It's a pretty nice city, and it looks like there are plenty of historical things to see and museums to visit. Though it did seem fairly deserted. But that's been the case for most of the cities I've seen so far. Most people drive into the city instead of living there, so there aren't a lot of reasons to hang out there. Seems like a waste of a perfectly good city, but I don't drive so what do I know?

We got back home then went out to a Cuban restaurant for Becky's birthday, then came back and had cake and chilled out. I've been playing that damn addicting City of Villains game, and so has Mike, so we've been doing that in the evenings. But that's not so bad - it's very laid back here. They have a nifty house and a spastic corgi named Gibson, and he's just about the cutest dog I've ever seen. And it's a lot easier to handle one dog rather than three, so that's a plus. They also have two cats, Annabelle and Pris, but they pretty much just keep to themselves.

Anyway, on Wednesday, I saw lots of birds! Our goal for the day was to go to this outlet mall so I could get some shoes to go with my gay clothes, but we had a few stops before that. First, we went to a pond where mostly non-native birds hung out, including a bunch of yappy parrots who were green and turned invisible when they got into the trees so I couldn't take pictures of them. After that, we headed toward the Sunshine Skyway and one of the fishing piers nearby.

The two piers are actually the ends of the old bridge that used to span the area, but years ago a boat smashed into said bridge, killing a whole lot of people. It was decided that a new bridge would be build - that being the Sunshine Skyway - and the remaining parts of the old bridge would become fishing piers. And it was done! Or something like that. Anyway, the pier was there and so were we. And so were pelicans! Big fat old pelicans just bopping around, though I couldn't get close enough to any of them to get really good pictures. But it was pretty friggin' awesome, if you ask me.

Finally we got the outlet mall, where I grabbed some shoes and a wallet and lunch. We hit traffic on the way back, delaying us for an hour-and-a-half. And then... Well, that's it! Today I slept in a bit, then spent the day farting around, uploading pictures, doing some dishes, and listening to the next-door neighbor's rooster crowing its head off. Saturday we're going to the Christmas party, and there's a high possibility that I'll be getting a tattoo on Sunday! Stay tuned!

Editor's Note: I just re-read this entry and realized it reads like a 5th grader's "What I did last summer" essay. Christ. I'll do better next time!

Posted by CosmoDNA at 06:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

This entry is super long, so don't miss out on my wacky Thanksgiving adventures posted right before this one!

Leaving Charlotte kinda sucked. I'd hardly been there two weeks and was just starting to really get into it, but I had a great time, so that's important. In any case, I'd at least get to hang out with Seth for another day, since we headed out at 9:30 a.m. Friday morning, our destination being Savannah, GA. There we'd meet up with Mike and Becky, who I would leave for Tampa with the next day. Or Tallahassee, then Tampa.

The trip down to Savannah was fairly quick for a four hour drive, and it helped that it was so damn nice out. We stopped off at a Hardee's somewhere in South Carolina (another fast food joint I'd never eaten at, I don't think), the continued onward. South Carolina seems nice, I guess. Well, it seems full of trees. Maybe it was just the highway we were on, but the place looked really unpopulated. Anyway.

Hello Georgia! Just as we reached the Peach State (is that what it is?), Becky called to say they were twenty minutes from our hotel, as they had left earlier and the trip was shorter than they expected. We were still about forty minutes out, or so we thought. Once we hit Savannah, we also hit traffic. Along the way we saw the results of one car accident, and discovered that the traffic was due to another accident further along the road. Becky told us they'd seen a four car pileup on that same road when they got there, so we all concluded that Georgians can't drive.

But we finally made it to the hotel, about a half hour before check-in at three. So we farted around until we could drop our stuff off in the room, then headed out for Carrabba's for dinner. They weren't open yet, so we went to Media Play and looked at books and stuff. This isn't terribly interesting, so I'll skip ahead.

Carrabba's was fun, as it was happy hour and the waitress kept the drinks flowing. The food wasn't bad and the drinks were good, and I was half in the bag by the time we got back to the hotel room, after stopping by a huge liquor store to pick up rum and gin and assorted sodas.

We weren't sure if we were going to go to downtown Savannah just yet, so we spent the next two hours drinking and smoking and listening to music and whatnot. I had a bunch of rum and cokes, so by the time we decided to head downtown I was pretty lit, as were Becky and Mike. Seth was being good since he was driving, so off we went!

We never did find out where Savannah's night life was happening, though. After a fairly wacko trip through the convoluted back streets of the city, we found a garage and parked then staggered off to find a bar. But we had to do a lot of walking before we found anything that looked affordable, as the only possibilities we saw were ritzy cigar bar places and crap like that. Savannah is an interesting place, and I wouldn't mind seeing a lot more of it one day and in the daylight. But it was littered with abandoned shops and shoddy thrift stores, nestled in among the expensive restaurants and bars. Kinda bizarre, really.

We finally found a place to sit down at, a hole in the wall kind of place with townie clientele, but good enough. The best part was the DJ, who was a thin Latino guy with what I can imagine was the King of All Mullets. This thing was incredible. Actually, I wouldn't call it a mullet, as that term isn't good enough for the two-foot-long shiny black locks which flowed like rivers of the finest oil from this walking god's shortly-cropped dome. It was the alpha and the omega of mullets. The Ubermullet.

So that was a source of entertainment, anyway. It was clear that DJ Megamullet was gearing up for a little karaoke action, which we would not participate in. We actually only had one drink before deciding to move on, but when we got outside, Becky wanted to head back to hotel to collapse. So we found the garage and took off, picking up some beer along the way. After dropping Becky off, Mike, Seth and I decided to go find something to eat.

We settled on Burger King, brought it back to the room, and sat around watching Jurassic Park III and having some beers. The food tasted okay, but would later come back to haunt us with a vengeance. Mike eventually wandered off to bed, and Seth fell asleep on the pull-out sofa. I watched the rest of the movie, deciding that it wasn't so bad though if I thought about it just a little more I realized that yeah, it was stupid. Had some water, yawned, went to bed and fell asleep quickly.

I woke up. My guts were having some kind of problem and decided I should be awake so we could discuss it in depth. Not being terribly coherent, I lay there wondering which way the contents of my stomach wanted to come out and trying to fall back asleep. But suddenly I was wide awake and knew that I needed to go into the bathroom immediately for a very important appointment.

I haven't puked like that in years, I swear. I don't know if it was the Burger King or the rum or the dinner or what, but it wanted to fly and be free, that much was sure. And fly it did, my friends, fly it did. And it hurt like a motherfucker. My right eye is currently ringed with broken blood vessels and I must have blown something up inside my nose since I was snorting out blood after my epic vomiting adventure. But all this was lost on me, as I was too weak to even think when I was done. I cleaned up and fell back into a deep, black sleep.

"We're gonna be leaving in an hour, in case you want to shower or whatever," Becky said, or words to that effect, about five hours later. I think I managed a very confident "Blgxvzyb?" before looking at my cell phone and seeing it was 8:20 a.m. I somehow got up, got showered, got dressed, and got all my stuff together without dying. I also found out that Mike had had his own vomiting problem during the night, so it must have been the Burger King, though Seth was fine and dandy. Not long after, we were all out in the parking lot saying goodbye to Seth and piling our stuff into Mike's truck. Mike pointed the truck at Tallahassee, and away we were!

I can't say that I remember much of the trip, but that's okay since it was mostly just more trees and stuff. I think. I fell asleep a lot, not surprisingly enough. After four hours, we reached Tallahassee. The plan was that we'd go to Mike's dad's new office and help him run network cables, then off to his parent's place for dinner, then to another hotel, and finally down to Tampa the next day. But first we had to find Mike's dad's new office, so after some phone tag, Mike got the address and we went there. Tallahassee was pretty much what I expected, I guess. A bit more Southern than anything I'd seen so far, and the proliferation of shops with names like "PAWN & GUNS" and the hunting gear section in the gas station convenience store made me chuckle.

We found Mike's dad and hung around at the office, watching them do most of the work. Or I did, anyway. Becky was helping, too. In short, I was pretty useless. At some point, Becky and I went to check into our hotel and we stopped by a Dunkin Donuts on the way back to the office (the Medium Ice Coffee is my god). Some more work was done, and I got to help a little bit so I didn't feel so much like tits on a bull, then it was off to Mike's parent's place!

It was dark by then and I fell asleep in the car again, so I don't know much about the trip. We could have driven to Texas for all I could tell. All I knew is that we were suddenly in the woods. But then we pulled up to their house, and all was well. I met a good deal of Mike's immediate family, and everyone was really nice, especially his parents, who both have great and twisted senses of humor. At one point, Mike, Becky and I were sitting out on the porch with his parents, when his father suddenly stood up, claiming to have seen something in the woods. He shined a flashlight out there and eventually caught two little glowing eyes. A raccoon or something, we figured.

"Wait, there's two more of them!" he cried! By now, Mike was up with another flashlight, and we all saw those sets of eyes staring at us, unmoving, as if we were suddenly surrounded by horrible little monsters of the wood. But the one in the middle, the one closest to us, the one in front of that tree there looked weird. Looked like... Well, it looked like the tree itself had little glowing eyes. As hard as I stared at the eyes, I couldn't see an actual animal connected to them. What, I asked myself, the fuck?

That's when Mike's parents started laughing, revealing that they had stuck little reflectors to some of the surrounding trees, and recalling all the people they've fooled so far with this prank. It was some seriously funny shit. How could you not like people who do stuff like that just for shits and giggles?

After awhile, we had a sorta-Thanksgiving dinner, since I guess not everyone was together two days earlier. And goddamn was that stuff good. I made a point not to load up my plate like I had at Seth's, so I managed to finish my meal without wanting to die. We spent the rest of the time just chilling out and talking - well, I was listening mostly. I got to hear some cool stories about when Mike's dad was a truck driver and would bring Mike and his brother along for some cross-country trips, about that time the truck caught fire and burned to the ground, igniting the Alabama-bought fireworks contained within, stuff like that.

But damn, were we all tired. We said our goodbyes and drove back to the hotel, where I now sit. Mike and Becky are asleep, and I soon will be, too. It's been a great couple of days, though I could use about fifty hours of sleep and some clean clothes. After this, it's three more weeks and then I get to go back home and bitch about the winter. Stay tuned!

Posted by CosmoDNA at 10:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)